ABUSIVE ANGELS!!!

I just heard the story of a lady whose husband beat her, up to the extent of cutting off her ring finger!!! After seeing graphic pictures of the state in which he left her, I couldn’t help but write this article!!! A lot of people have this ‘I MUST MAKE MY MARRIAGE OR RELATIONSHIP WORK MENTALITY’ Which isn’t a bad thing but must be done within limits! We need to know when to let go! And the sign of knowing when to let go is ask yourself this very simple but extremely important question: Is my life at risk or in jeopardy?  Even if you don’t love yourself enough to want to live (which is quite likely judging by the fact that abusers usually deflate your self-esteem first before they even start abusing you .The way it works is such that they make you feel like your worthless so that when you are being abused you feel like you don’t deserve better and the abuser is actually doing you a favour by remaining in that relationship or marriage with you)  if you don’t leave for  yourself  how about the innocent children you have brought into this world? Don’t they deserve the God-given privilege of growing up with the care of their mother or father? Don’t they deserve to get walked down the aisle with their father by their side? Don’t they deserve to get advice about boys, girls and life in their awkward teenage years? Ok let’s assume you don’t care about your children how about the mother that laboured 10, 20, and 30 hours or in some cases days to bring you out of her womb!!!

     Sadly there is no means of identifying an abuser just by looking at them; the only means of identifying them is by studying them closely and recognising the early signs!!!   I wish they had a tag on their forehead reading: 'ABUSER DONT DATE' or 'ABUSER DONT MARRY' life would have been perfect! The UK recently changed (or are in the process of changing) their law making it legal to reveal criminal records of abusive people to partners who request for them. This just goes to show how prevalent, real and serious this issue is! Don’t get it twisted a lot of men are equally victims of both physical and emotional abuse!  As impossible as  men getting physically abused by women sounds, sadly it’s the reality of today! These female abusers kill d ‘lion’ in d man by stabbing his self-esteem, denying him of the love and care that they deserve eventually making him a toothless bulldog!   A lot of people see abuse as something that is synonymous with women alone, this is so wrong! Men also experience abuse from both girlfriends and wives! In fact statistics show that In 100 domestic violence situations approximately 40 cases involve violence by women against men.  This means that roughly 300,000 to 400,000 men are treated violently by their wife or girl friend. 

 Like a friend of mine said LEAVE THAT MAN OR WOMAN BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE WORLD!!!  A lot of people remain in abusive relationships because of the ‘IT IS DIFFICULT TO FIND A HUSBAND OR WIFE MENTALITY’  well  I’ve got good news for you if u happen to fall under this category, That person you are married to or in a relationship with is anything but a husband/ wife or girlfriend /boyfriend to you!!! Let me remind you of the vows you said on your wedding day for the married ones just in case you have forgotten! You promised to remain with your spouse for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do you part...... if I’m not mistaken the vows didn’t read for better or for punches, in goodness and in battery, in health or in death by abuse! Babe and bloke, you’ve got to wake-up!!! And the time to do that is NOW!!! The longer you sleep the slimmer your chances of getting out alive!!! Besides even the bible says that for every man God made, he also made a woman! So why remain in bondage because you feel if you walk out you won’t find a better partner, forgetting that In Gods time he makes all things beautiful!

I recently read the story of some lady who had all the luxury in the world at her beck and call but was emotionally and physically abused by her spouse  for years and eventually recently died more from emotional abuse than physical abuse if u ask me . Emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse if not worse! It’s what I call a silent killer! Yes no one sees it on you physically that you’re being abused but your heart and soul are dying slowly!!! Emotional abuse usually starts with the lowering of your self esteem, by your abuser. At least a lot of people are aware of physical abuse, but sadly lots of people are still in the dark as far as emotional abuse is concerned. When people hear the word abuse they instinctively think blows and punches but emotional abuse is as deadly as physical abuse! It kills you from within! Some of the signs of emotional abuse are: constant criticism, humiliation, under-mining your self-esteem, fear of your partner, he or she isolates you from your friends and family, feeling trapped in the relationship/marriage, to name a few.

BEWARE!!! The abusive person looks exactly the same as you and I! He or she is that handsome, drop-dead gorgeous guy and that beautiful, pretty girl .They are no different from me and you at least on the outside. The only difference is what lies within them! A lot of you may wonder...what makes an individual become abusive?  Its a cycle in most cases, Statistics show that a large number of abusers grew up seeing their parents abuse each other. Now this has piqued my interest because this means that if you remain in that abusive relationship or marriage, with children in it, you are not only endangering your life you are potentially raising future abusers!!! And it makes perfect sense because we are the products of our upbringing and background! Children are like an ATM machines, what you deposit at the bank is what you can withdraw from the ATM, the same goes for children, what you deposit into them is what they exhibit in future! It’s not magic! You can’t deposit 10pounds at the bank and expect to withdraw 1million pounds!  

Though we can’t recognise abusive people just by looking at them, the signs are always there! Watch how they behave when they are upset, do they become violent and maybe resort to breaking things around them???..... Because they might be breaking cups and plates today but trust me, tomorrow they will be breaking your head! The signs of an abuser in some cases can also be something as little as a shove. You might ask a shove??? Yes a simple shove!!! A lady recently told me her story she said she was a victim of severe abuse by her husband. I asked her if she ever saw any signs she said in fact there were little signs that she ignored and took lightly. She went on to say when they were dating and they had misunderstandings she would apologise but he would completely ignore her and even when she approaches him he would shove and push her out of his way. But she said he never hit her while they were dating .But thinking back now she said that push/shove was a sign that she shouldn’t have ignored!!! Because eventually push /shove became slaps and then slaps became blows and then blows progressed into life-threatening battering! Thankfully, she somehow got out of that marriage alive! The bitter truth about abusive relationships is that it rarely gets better; a lot of people remain in abusive relationships hoping that their partner will change. But sadly, more often than not it deteriorates, the last example is what I call a progressively-abusive relationship, it usually starts with the minutest signs, like in her case it was a slight shove/push, which ultimately progressed into full-blown battery and abuse!

I must say Africans and Asians are the most common culprits in the ‘I MUST MAKE MY MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP WORK’   syndrome. Our culture has a part to play in it, our culture has taught us to endure in marriage as against enjoy marriage! As much as this is a good thing our culture also needs to incorporate the wisdom of knowing where to draw the limits. Marriage is to be enjoyed and not endured!!! Recently in the news there was a Pakistani couple who were in a very unstable relationship but who felt pressured to get married, after the marriage the lady felt strongly that something was out of place with her husband and she confided in her cousin telling her that she was scared of her husband and she wanted to leave him. Her cousin sadly advised her to stay and ‘make her marriage work’ 2weeks after while honeymooning in south-Africa her newly wedded husband  is suspected to have allegedly arranged for her to be murdered, investigations are still ongoing to really figure out what truly happened to her. I am all for staying in your marriage through thick and thin and both in good and challenging times. But I beg that you know when to let go!!! LET GO AND LET GOD!!! For your sake and for the sake of your loved ones!!!

After all is said and done, YOU, YES   YOUUUUU there you know yourself God has sent this article your way to awaken you from your slumber! Wake up now, before it’s too late!  You and you alone are the author of your own destiny!!!  This article is titled ‘’ABUSIVE ANGELS ‘’ because these abusers are people whom we often mistake as angels in our lives, simply because they are present in our lives as husbands and boyfriends or wives and Girlfriends!!! Be careful whom you let into your life, NEVER MISTAKE A MONSTER FOR A GEM!!!

Warm Regards,

Your Relationship Coach

Chee.