Pick and Drop Mentality in Today Relationships!!!

I sat down yesterday and reflected on what I consider to be the biggest difference between today’s relationships and the relationships our parents had. When I say relationships I am referring to everything from dating, courtship to marriage. While pondering, one major difference kept cropping up, and this is the mentality/ attitude we have towards relationships this days.

In today’s world a lot of relationships are fickle and depthless; they are very shallow and carry no weight. Relationships today are a tad bit too casual for our own good. It’s almost as if the moment people get into relationships they are automatically looking for a way out. Where is the fighting spirit that was present during the days of our forefathers??? Where is the resilient spirit? Why are we so quick to point out each other’s mistakes and not our strengths? Why are we so quick to jump out of relationships as against sticking it out and making it work??? There is definitely something wrong with a society where divorce has become more popular than marriage.

I am almost convinced that as the technology improves and the world changes, humans also feel the need to change our companions, lol! Be it a spouse or a partner. Upon interacting with people these days, I find that marriage and relationships break-up over the most minute and sometimes ridiculous differences. Issues that in the days of our fathers would never have ended a relationship/marriage. Issues that rather than end a realtionship/marriage, both partners would have worked through and eventually come out stronger.

A friend recently shared her story with me, about how her marriage of 9years ended over her OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder) i.e. her excessive love for tidying and cleaning. She said her husband could never understand why she felt the constant need to clean the house and have everything in the right place and order all the time. Though she had started therapy for her disorder and she was improving, her husband said he couldn’t deal with it and didn’t have the time to wait around for her to change, and so he walked out on her, leaving her to raise 2 kids all by herself.

As expected she was devastated and broken! She kept saying to me repeatedly how she couldn’t believe he was able to walk away, without batting an eyelid after 9 solid years together and 2 lovely kids. She said she never saw it coming, until recently, when he suddenly changed, and became cold towards her.

These days it feels like relationship break-ups/ divorce is in vogue. It’s no longer a biggie! It’s been trivialised so much that no one makes a fuss about it anymore.

I feel like we have lost the plot completely, when it comes to commitment and marriage. We are in it for the good, exciting, fun times, but the moment challenges rear its ugly head, we get off at the next stop, without even waiting for our change. Lol!

My friend’s predicament got me thinking, does it mean he never loved her? Or did he stop loving her because of her OCD? What exactly went wrong? Why would a man wake up after 9 years, and suddenly feel the urge to jump out of a very stable marriage to his partner, with whom he swore to be with for better or worse.....In my opinion, this is a modern day TRAGEDY!

In the western world for instance where we have a ridiculously high divorce rate, compared to African countries, we also have a very wasteful culture in my own opinion, especially when compared to EMEA countries where the poverty rate is really high. The westerners are quite wasteful with everything. For instance, unlike in Africa, where people do not have as much and therefore have to be more economical, in the western world, I find that the mentality is ‘If it’s broken, Bin it!’

This rule, generally applies to everything from broken appliances to food etc...Britain for instance is one of the only nations, where I find good and electrical appliances in perfect working condition lying on the streets, all because the owner bought a new one. That’s it; the owner does not want it anymore, just because a newer model is out in the market.

On the contrary, unlike in Britain, In Africa the mentality is ‘If it’s broken, fix it!’

This rule also applies to all areas, for instance broken appliances. As a child I grew up with this mentality. I vividly recall as a child, seeing my friends Dad, open up a broken television and dissecting it, in a bid to fix it. He battled tirelessly, until he fixed it. And if by any chance he has not succeeded in fixing it, he would have taken it to the electronics repair shop. Oh yes, Electronics repair shop! (We have lots of them in Africa) J Bearing in mind, Africans fix things not necessarily because they can’t afford to buy a new one, but because, in my opinion we do not believe in wastage. We believe in using things till they are damaged beyond repairs, then and only then, will we bin it.

On the contrary interestingly, in Britain, it’s very different, there are hardly any repair shops, if one eventually manages to find one, you will find that it will cost you so much more to fix the broken device that it would cost you to buy a new one.

This I find very interesting!

So in essence, the high British divorce rate in my opinion has a deeper root than meets the eye. I personally feel it has a lot more to do with the British culture in general and their outlook on life. Unlike in Africa where we are fixers and our otlook on life obviously affects the way we view and handle marriage and commitment, Hence the much lower divorce rate.

That said, i do think this problem is a general problem and regardless of cultural backgrounds, we are all in some sort of relationship epidemic. We have lost our sense of perseverance as the years have rolled by. These days, people are not willing to put in the hard work to make relationships work, everyone is looking for a quick fix, and once they realise there is no quick fix, they jump out!

Sticking to a relationship through thick or thin has become old fashioned, Marriage vows don’t mean anything anymore, and it’s a shame. I do worry for the future generation, if it’s this bad now, I can only imagine, what it would be like in the nearest future.  Will marriage in its entirety become extinct? Will future marriages have expiry dates?? Will we have fixed-term marriages, just like we have fixed-term loans? Lol! Hmmmmm...... Interesting line of thought......

I long for a day when we will have young people fully dedicated and committed to relationships and marriages and not just in it for the good times and out of it in the bad times. I long for a day when we will have young people who have realistic expectations in a partner and not unrealistic expectations as to what kind of characteristics and qualities they would like in a present and potential partner. These I believe will drastically reduce the divorce and break-up rates we are presently experiencing worldwide.

Heart Broken or Ever been Heart Broken??? Read This!!!

A lot of the time when relationships end, we feel like a part of us also ended with that relationship, we feel emotionally drained and exhausted, we feel like we do not have any love left in us to give anymore. We spend so much time moaning and evaluating these past relationships that we miss out on the lessons that should be learnt from these relationships.

I also think a lot of us have a very wrong mind-set about relationships. We see them as end-points as against seeing them as starting points. Most people mostly ladies, are guilty of expecting every relationship they get into to end in marriage. This is a very wrong way to view relationships and also a very counter-productive approach.

I personally think that relationships should be viewed as training ground. This is because statistics show that on the average only less than 2% of people marry their first love, i.e. (First Boyfriend or Girlfriend). Now if the statistics are this low then the chances of us all getting married to our 'First Love' are practically non-existent. In my opinion, relationships being viewed as a training ground would not only change our attitude when we are in relationships and when relationships end, it will also help us see the bigger picture i.e. (groom ourselves for marriage with the right person eventually.

The truth is no one is perfect and God sometimes moulds us by allowing us meet certain people at certain points in our lives so that we can learn certain things that will help us eventually not only in marriage but in other areas of our lives. It might not even be you that needs to learn something; it might be your partner. If people could develop this mind-set, it will not only reduce the amount of pain we feel when a relationship ends but it will enable us learn the lessons from these past relationships and move on in good time. I have realised that with time and as one grows older, we meet all sorts of people, some of these people we have relationships with and some we just remain friends with, either way, these people either add value to our lives or not, and at the very least these people crossed our paths in life to teach us valuable life lessons, some we learnt easily and some we learnt the hard way. What will be a disaster would be to go through life, not learning from our experiences and our encounter with people.

Now my point is this, firstly not all relationships are meant, destined to lead to marriage. Secondly the earlier we realise this, the less heart-breaks we will have and also the wiser we will become. If we approach relationships with the ''I am here to learn'' mentality, we would not only improve ourselves, but we will be more relaxed and actually get to enjoy the relationship, and most importantly get a clearer picture of the kind of person we would like to spend the rest of our lives with.

The truth is when relationships do not work-out, we should actually be grateful that they didn’t workout and really and truly we got off easy, because those relationships could have worked out and led to marriage only to have ended in a divorce, which would have been heart-wrenching and in most cases disastrous. We should also be grateful because it’s also a pointer that that person isn’t the right life partner for us. We should see it as a step closer to our ideal and God-ordained life partner for us, and not a step away from him or her. Because, the truth is, if we didn’t gain anything at all from our past relationships, at the very least we discovered what we do not want in a life partner, and that in itself is PRICELESS.

As difficult as it maybe to view break-ups from this positive point of view, this is the truth about relationships coming to an end. Instead of eternally moaning and feeling down and in some cases, vowing never to fall in love again i.e. (Being a drama queen/king, lol!)  We should be grateful it didn’t work out and very importantly you have eliminated the chance of potentially becoming a divorcee. Always remember, as clichéd as it may sound: A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP, IS BETTER THAN A BROKEN MARRIAGE!!!

In order to move on, it is important and advisable to give ourselves time to heal emotionally, in some cases we need to actually fall in love with ourselves again! After which, we need to GET-UP AND KEEP MOVING! Go out with friends, family, have fun, enjoy being single, live and enjoy life responsibly and be open to meeting someone new. ;)

A lot of us can resonate with the fact that when we meet someone new, they always seem perfect and ideal for us, but with time, sometimes things go wrong and we think back and wonder why we ever thought he or she was perfect for us in the first place. This goes to show that not all relationships are meant to lead to marriage. Most of them are actually meant to mould you and make you a better partner to your future husband or wife, as young people , in relationships we should see ourselves as 'Trainee husband/wives', and if two people involved in a relationship get along so well, that it leads into a marriage, fantastic! We wouldn't have lost out on anything; on the contrary we would have both learnt a lot from each other and trained ourselves to be better partners. If on the other hand the relationship doesn’t lead to marriage........FIND THE STRENGHT TO GET UP AND KEEP MOVING! Learn the lessons and move one! You will find that when you eventually meet the right person, your past experiences will help you appreciate this person and you will not repeat the previous mistakes.

However, if you decide to remain in the sad unproductive phase of moaning, beating yourself up and constant re-evaluation of the broken relationship , you will not only be doing yourself great injustice, by depriving yourself of the possibility of meeting that special someone but you will also be wasting valuable time. For all you know that special one is out there waiting for you to come out of this unproductive phase, and start on the journey of recovery and happiness. In the words of Oprah Winfrey ''LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE NOW’’ We have got to maximise and enjoy each moment and every second that ticks by!

Come to think of it, what better way is there to learn to relate with your future spouse, rather than to actually get into relationships? None actually! So if we don’t relate with the opposite sex and maybe get heartbroken a few times in the process, we would never really get 1st hand experience or at least a rough idea of what it might be like to actually spend the rest of our lives with the opposite sex. In my opinion, I think it’s a very small price to pay for the joy and happiness that lies ahead, when you finally meet the right one.

I have discovered that the earlier we discover what category the people we are in relationships with fall into, the sooner we can either learn the lessons and move on or stay and build upon the relationships. A lot of people waste valuable time with the WRONG PEOPLE. They either stay in wrong relationships, hoping that things will change for the better or they refuse to move on when these relationships end. This is a very counter-productive approach and more often than not, leads to regrets.

That said we need to get into relationships wisely. Be wise about your choice of a partner; be open-minded, yet very cautious! Compatibility is very key and lastly, leave the relationship in God's capable hands, trusting him to do what he does best! All the best People!!! :)