I just
heard the story of a lady whose husband beat her, up to the extent of cutting off
her ring finger!!! After seeing graphic pictures of the state in which he left
her, I couldn’t help but write this article!!! A lot of people have this ‘I
MUST MAKE MY MARRIAGE OR RELATIONSHIP WORK MENTALITY’ Which isn’t a bad thing
but must be done within limits! We need to know when to let go! And the sign of
knowing when to let go is ask yourself this very simple but extremely important
question: Is my life at risk or in jeopardy? Even if you don’t love
yourself enough to want to live (which is quite likely judging by the fact that
abusers usually deflate your self-esteem first before they even start abusing
you .The way it works is such that they make you feel like your worthless so
that when you are being abused you feel like you don’t deserve better and the
abuser is actually doing you a favour by remaining in that relationship or
marriage with you) if you don’t leave for yourself how about
the innocent children you have brought into this world? Don’t they deserve the
God-given privilege of growing up with the care of their mother or father?
Don’t they deserve to get walked down the aisle with their father by their
side? Don’t they deserve to get advice about boys, girls and life in their
awkward teenage years? Ok let’s assume you don’t care about your children how
about the mother that laboured 10, 20, and 30 hours or in some cases days to
bring you out of her womb!!!
Sadly there is no means of identifying an abuser just by looking at them; the
only means of identifying them is by studying them closely and recognising the
early signs!!! I wish they had a tag on their forehead reading:
'ABUSER DONT DATE' or 'ABUSER DONT MARRY' life would have been perfect! The UK
recently changed (or are in the process of changing) their law making it legal
to reveal criminal records of abusive people to partners who request for
them. This just goes to show how prevalent, real and serious this issue is!
Don’t get it twisted a lot of men are equally victims of both physical and
emotional abuse! As impossible as men getting physically abused by
women sounds, sadly it’s the reality of today! These female abusers kill d
‘lion’ in d man by stabbing his self-esteem, denying him of the love and care
that they deserve eventually making him a toothless bulldog! A lot
of people see abuse as something that is synonymous with women alone, this is
so wrong! Men also experience abuse from both girlfriends and wives! In fact
statistics show that In 100 domestic violence situations approximately 40 cases
involve violence by women against men. This means that roughly 300,000 to
400,000 men are treated violently by their wife or girl friend.
Like
a friend of mine said LEAVE THAT MAN OR WOMAN BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE WORLD!!!
A lot of people remain in abusive relationships because of the ‘IT IS
DIFFICULT TO FIND A HUSBAND OR WIFE MENTALITY’ well I’ve got good
news for you if u happen to fall under this category, That person you are married
to or in a relationship with is anything but a husband/ wife or girlfriend
/boyfriend to you!!! Let me remind you of the vows you said on your wedding day
for the married ones just in case you have forgotten! You promised to remain
with your spouse for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness
and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do you
part...... if I’m not mistaken the vows didn’t read for better or for punches,
in goodness and in battery, in health or in death by abuse! Babe and bloke,
you’ve got to wake-up!!! And the time to do that is NOW!!! The longer you sleep
the slimmer your chances of getting out alive!!! Besides even the bible says
that for every man God made, he also made a woman! So why remain in bondage
because you feel if you walk out you won’t find a better partner, forgetting
that In Gods time he makes all things beautiful!
I
recently read the story of some lady who had all the luxury in the world at her
beck and call but was emotionally and physically abused by her spouse for
years and eventually recently died more from emotional abuse than physical
abuse if u ask me . Emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse if not worse!
It’s what I call a silent killer! Yes no one sees it on you physically that
you’re being abused but your heart and soul are dying slowly!!! Emotional abuse
usually starts with the lowering of your self esteem, by your abuser. At least
a lot of people are aware of physical abuse, but sadly lots of people are still
in the dark as far as emotional abuse is concerned. When people hear the word
abuse they instinctively think blows and punches but emotional abuse is as
deadly as physical abuse! It kills you from within! Some of the signs of
emotional abuse are: constant criticism, humiliation, under-mining your
self-esteem, fear of your partner, he or she isolates you from your friends and
family, feeling trapped in the relationship/marriage, to name a few.
BEWARE!!! The
abusive person looks exactly the same as you and I! He or she is that handsome,
drop-dead gorgeous guy and that beautiful, pretty girl .They are no different
from me and you at least on the outside. The only difference is what lies
within them! A lot of you may wonder...what makes an individual become abusive?
Its a cycle in most cases, Statistics show that a large number of abusers
grew up seeing their parents abuse each other. Now this has piqued my interest
because this means that if you remain in that abusive relationship or marriage,
with children in it, you are not only endangering your life you are potentially
raising future abusers!!! And it makes perfect sense because we are the
products of our upbringing and background! Children are like an ATM machines,
what you deposit at the bank is what you can withdraw from the ATM, the same
goes for children, what you deposit into them is what they exhibit in future!
It’s not magic! You can’t deposit 10pounds at the bank and expect to withdraw
1million pounds!
Though
we can’t recognise abusive people just by looking at them, the signs are always
there! Watch how they behave when they are upset, do they become violent and
maybe resort to breaking things around them???..... Because they might be
breaking cups and plates today but trust me, tomorrow they will be breaking
your head! The signs of an abuser in some cases can also be something as little
as a shove. You might ask a shove??? Yes a simple shove!!! A lady recently told
me her story she said she was a victim of severe abuse by her husband. I asked
her if she ever saw any signs she said in fact there were little signs that she
ignored and took lightly. She went on to say when they were dating and they had
misunderstandings she would apologise but he would completely ignore her and
even when she approaches him he would shove and push her out of his way. But
she said he never hit her while they were dating .But thinking back now she
said that push/shove was a sign that she shouldn’t have ignored!!! Because
eventually push /shove became slaps and then slaps became blows and then blows
progressed into life-threatening battering! Thankfully, she somehow got out of
that marriage alive! The bitter truth about abusive relationships is that it
rarely gets better; a lot of people remain in abusive relationships hoping that
their partner will change. But sadly, more often than not it deteriorates, the
last example is what I call a progressively-abusive relationship, it usually
starts with the minutest signs, like in her case it was a slight shove/push, which
ultimately progressed into full-blown battery and abuse!
I must
say Africans and Asians are the most common culprits in the ‘I MUST MAKE MY
MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP WORK’ syndrome. Our culture has a part to
play in it, our culture has taught us to endure in marriage as against enjoy
marriage! As much as this is a good thing our culture also needs to incorporate
the wisdom of knowing where to draw the limits. Marriage is to be enjoyed and
not endured!!! Recently in the news there was a Pakistani couple who were in a
very unstable relationship but who felt pressured to get married, after the
marriage the lady felt strongly that something was out of place with her
husband and she confided in her cousin telling her that she was scared of her
husband and she wanted to leave him. Her cousin sadly advised her to stay and
‘make her marriage work’ 2weeks after while honeymooning in south-Africa her
newly wedded husband is suspected to have allegedly arranged for her to
be murdered, investigations are still ongoing to really figure out what truly
happened to her. I am all for staying in your marriage through thick and thin
and both in good and challenging times. But I beg that you know when to let
go!!! LET GO AND LET GOD!!! For your sake and for the sake of your loved
ones!!!
After
all is said and done, YOU, YES YOUUUUU there you know yourself God
has sent this article your way to awaken you from your slumber! Wake up now,
before it’s too late! You and you alone are the author of your own
destiny!!! This article is titled ‘’ABUSIVE ANGELS ‘’ because these
abusers are people whom we often mistake as angels in our lives, simply because
they are present in our lives as husbands and boyfriends or wives and
Girlfriends!!! Be careful whom you let into your life, NEVER MISTAKE A MONSTER
FOR A GEM!!!
Warm
Regards,
Your
Relationship Coach
Chee.
